Me + John = Children?

It hits me anytime I use a baby-control pill. It hits me anytime I see children on the playground having a good time. And it did hit me just today- as I held little Sarah in my arms. Sarah is one year old niece of John. She is super-cute, as all kids are I guess :)

There once was a time I couldn´t even hold a baby without thinking I wont be a good mother. I never held a baby and I never changed diapers. I had no idea when it´s time to learn the baby speak or walk, how often to feed them and most of all, I was literaly scared of being same and doing same mistakes as my parents used to do. That was a feeling which I had at a moment I´ve seen a woman walking with a pram. It might sound silly but that feeling was so awefull and ubiquitous. There were a days when I forget my pills somewhere and I couldn´t use one and John asked me, what will happen if I don´t use it for one or two days. The only idea I had when this question came was: "What will happen? Oh my God." my whole life was passing before my eyes "Something small with a big bum, vampire teeths and three hair on it´s head will happen!" Oh gosh. Actually I think that even my parents should have consider if having me is good idea.

The idea of having a baby was so scary. I mean to say- my DNA shouldn´t be shared and reproduced. John has some good qualities, nevertheless he keeps on forgetting his coffee at morning and also he forgets a key in car very often. And my DNA isn´t much better. I can already see the notes in my diary:

1. Kid is not sleeping at all. Social worker was here twice. The old woman next door did called them complaining about child abuse.

2. A kid is already one year old and still not walking. It seems to be slow (as his mother).

3. A kid is already two years old and finaly starts to speak. As soon as it open it´s mouth, you can be sure his intelligetion cames from his father. Nobody else does not uderstand it.

4. Four years old- the kid finaly sleeps at night, but sometimes it has many problems during the days. Sometimes it happens that the kid stops, get mad and doesn´t want to go anywhere. After some time the visit by social wotker. And by firefighters as well. They say I can´t let the kid home alone, even if it sulks and doesn´t want to go.

5. When the kid is five, the social worker decides to give it to John´t younger and more responsible sister. After five years, me and John catch up our sleep deficit.

6. After few months is the kid givven back to our care. The reason is that John´s sister and the rest of family are havind psychological problems caused by our kid.

7. We´ve got a school-kid now. The teachor says it writes petitions against the math teacher and does not do homeworks. I can see where did it get the idea from...

8. Puberty. Our adolescent kid threats that if we will keep on being so embarrasing, it will inform about us in his blog and there will be EVERYTHING!

I would rather fall asleep than taking risk without a pill. I used to think that this image of future will scare John as well, but he seems to be ok with it. Which, honestly, scares me even more.

Well, it DID scare me.