FIRSTS!

Hey guys!

I haven´t uploaded anything for such a long time and today I realized that I do actually miss it. I think that this feeling comes to mind of each creative person who just love to write everything and share it with a world. Or maybe it´s not necessary about sharing it with the world. Maybe, it´s about sharing it with the future YOU. And I think, that is the reason for what I started to write a diary. (Ok, maybe that and also the movie Bridget Jones diary, but that doesn´t sound that cool, does it?) So with my first diary came a need that I want to remember all the big things which happened to me. When I look back, I can see they were not that big, but...yeah, for me, at that time, they were pretty amazing. I´ve written about my first fights with parents, about their first fights, about having my best friend, about loosing my best friend and getting back together then. About betraying them and about getting betrayed. About boys I desperately loved and about those I desperately hated. About guys that dumped me or I dumped them, about those who cheated. About school tests and exams which stressed me out, pressure my parents put on me. I wrote (and keep on writing) about feeling out of place, about forgetting, forgiving, being hurt, heartbroken, pushed over, walked on, confused, lost, out of fashion, off trend....or about being happy and just wanting to write about it. And when I read all those diares, I see how happy I was, time by time. I just haven´t seen it. And maybe that´t happening now as well. I am happy, but I can´t see it. I do concentrate on the problems and their solution more than the things that keeps me happy. Anyway, that was my FIRST DEAR DIARY.

Thinking about FIRSTS, I have to note my FIRST DATE. It was so bad. I mean, I used to spend time with guys before as well, but this was like first, official, date. It all happened when we were at 5th grade. His name was Christopher, he was pretty smart, but at that time the girls at our class spoke about him as "that ugly one". And that made me thinking about him by the same way. We went to Mc´Donald together with my (at that time best friend) Veronica and he took his friend, Mathew. Mathew was funny, but also a weirdo. Sometimes it was hard to understand his jokes and sometimes they were not good to tell. And Veronica behaved so mean, so during the date I had to listen her complaints about Mathew and so we decided to leave them and go for a walk to the park, which was near by. And there it came- he tried to kiss me and pushed me really close to him and I was wondering, what should I do? Should I do that, should I wait? I had a strange feeling at my stomach, but I realized, it´s doesn´t feel like butterflies. It doesn´t felt like butterflies at all. It was more like when you eat something you don´t like and your parents push you to finish it. Yeah, so...My decission was pretty clear, at least to me. He did not got it and thought I was just making fun of him. Anyway, that was my FIRST DATE.

With this dating, obviously, somehow came my FIRST RELATIONSHIP. We lived in the same district and we met when I was 14 years old. It started during summer holiday and I was suppose to join high school. So was he. The thing was- he already signed up for a dormitory. We decided not to be together, cause it will be hard to meet and also hard to communicate. How stupid we were at that time! So stupid that we tried to use brains, at fourtheen and being in love. It brought us even more close and after few months, he moved back to our district. We spend so beautiful moments togetger and except the fact he dumped me, it was all so wonderfull. I am happy that I did wait for the right person with all those dating stuffs. He might not be the one I marry one day, but one way or another, he was the right. And, he was my FIRST LOVE.

Going deep into my memory, there are more firsts I´ve made. Like, FIRST gymnastics COMPETITION I won (that was also first time I jumped over the "goat". I have no idea how to say it in english, it is the thing you have to jump over in gym, you know what I mean? So I´ve never done that before and when I was on the competition, someone told me to imagine, that by doing it, I will kill Voldemort. So, I killed him pretty well!

By growing up, the bad habbits happened for the first time as well. Like my first cigarette. That was when I lived alone for the first time- not alone, but with my boyfriend and room-mates. It was going to the end and I had no idea what to do- I was alone, in foreign city and had nowhere to go. It was so stressfull and at that moment, I remember- when my parents fight, they always smoke a cigarette after that and it makes them cool down. So I bought my first pack of cigarettes, sit on a bench and smoked one by one. It did not help me at that time, but that was my FIRST CIGARETT. Since that time, I´ve smoked a lot and last few months I am not smoking that much- actually, I smoke maximum 1 cigarett at one week. That means I am on the good way to stopp smoking at all, right?

Nowdays, there is one more thing happening for the first time. And it´s me being alone. I mean, without boyfriend. No, don´t worry, John did not dump me. Neither did I. He went to Englang for a business journey. He is suppose to spend there three weeks and propably some more after that. And I know it´s not same as a break up. But still, we are separated and I have to live alone for a while. That´s something what never happened- since I start dating guys, I always had one. Sounds quite smugly and cheap, but, yeah, it is like that. And even when I lived with my parents at that time, I used to meet Leo every single day. After that, I always lived with my partner so even when we were busy throught the day, we met at home at night. But this is first time we dont meet at all and the only contact we have is at the evening on skype. Which is not bad, but I realized how much I miss those things we do together when we both are at home. Yesterday, I was working on my semester project. And somewhere in the middle of it, I realized, that John is not comming home from job. He always comes at 5 o´clock, see me writing my homeworkes and pushes me even more to finish them finaly or to start working on them. He makes me tea and then he plays XBox or whatever, but he is there. This time, no one came and no one blamed me that I started writing my work late. No one made me tea, no sheeps sounds comming from XBox. At that moment, I felt pretty dumb. Not because I miss him. I felt that way, because when he is here and does all those things, I don´t see it. Ok, maybe I see it, but I don´t appreciate that. And that is really really sad, cause he does a lot to make me happy, cherished and prottected. And he did it during the summer when I concentrate on someone else comming into my life and leaving it. These ideas came to my mind earlier that week, when I went to Nitra. There were seminars about spatial law and that actually brought me there. Also, I needed to make a trip somewhere out of home, cause living with my mother again is not that easy as it may sound. Last but not least, I knew that for making my minds, I need to know, where do I stand with mr.D. We met in front of a beautiful synagogue and went for a concert he featured. I made myself ready fot everything- I was sure that some romantical feelings from past will come and I knew I have to count with them and fight with them. Maybe that´s why I was so peaceful by going to meet him. He went in front of that synagogue to take me- he came to me, kissed my cheeks and huged me very tightly so it was quite hard to breathe. And I was shocked- there were no romantic feelings at all! It was like meeting old friend from past and feeling like nothing has changed during the pause you haven´t seen each other. That concert was amazing and I can say I enjoyed it. He was abashed, as he told me, but I was totaly calm. At least till the moment we sit in jazz cafe and start speaking. I don´t even know who started to speak about "us", but it came to the moment when I told him how much he did hurt me. And with saying this, big stone fell from my heart and I felt so relieved. More relieved I was, when he told me that he had no idea I felt that way and he apologized me for that. Gosh, that was something I needed. Tears came out of my eyes and now I think that it might look weird to him, anyway, those were the tears of relief. He wanted to say some more to explain his attitude, but I told him that it is not needed. And it wasn´t. All I could think about at that time was John. It was like being blind until someone comes and removed some silly mask out of your eyes. I concentrated whole time on one thing, which actually wasn´t that important and powerful, but it was just an image of it. And I could finaly stopped asking, where do we stand with mr.D. I found myself asking, where do I stand with HIM? And that´s all that matters.

I have to admit that there are special feelings for him. They always will be. And that´s ok. Also, it´s ok not to feel ok. But when you start doing something to change it, it will sure bring some success. And if not, at least it will bring some shifht to all that creepy situation. And finaly, after all those months, I can take a VIEW BACK and for the FIRST time, I DONT FEEL A PAIN. Hell yeah! :)

#me #firsts #leo #mrd #diary #love